What I have been learning.

It begins with a rocking chair and tea.

Tea in a cup, hand crafted by the humble hands of a human. A human broken in a broken world. Unending pain, anger, confusion. Yet even amongst the broken, shattered pieces of this world joy is found. Joy is found while shaping a vessel of clay. A cup is shaped, which holds the fine perfection of tea. Tea that is sipped by me as I contemplate life from a rocking chair.

Five things to think on. Five things to comtemplate as I look out at big sky country. The mountain range of perfection. Why am I here? Why has God placed me here? In it I must be gentle, humble, and quiet. Listening is the key to the art of quietness. Here in this place I listen. I approach with gentleness and desire to hear. To hear the stories of broken people. I too listen for the voice of the Creator who shaped each triangle, each misshaped mountain. Among it all I pray for peace, discernment, for time. I pray among people. I pray alone. Praying for the brokenness of the Rez, the people I've encountered. And selfishly I pray for me, for my brokenness. I seek. Oh how I seek. In patience, I have received. And I've found peace in my quietness. Last, I remember that the shadow proves the sunshine. The trials of the beginning weeks. The baggage, the fear, the confusion, the uncertainty. How those trials have illuminated the greatness of the Creator. To go to the mountains, to seek our Creator. How I've grown. I find myself broken as all humans are. But I find hope in a Creator who has shaped the sky, the mountains, and me.

The best book of poetry begins with "In the beginning..."

Poetry is a powerful form of language... of writing... of art. An honest poem can cause a reader to burst out in pure laughter; it can cause them to weep tears of sorrow and pain. A raw, real, all natural poem pulls at the heartstrings of the reader. They connect. 

Poetry is powerful. It is writings of one observer, read by another. A poet is a creator, and the best poet is our Creator. And the best book of poetry begins with "In the beginning..".

This idea of the Bible as one giant work of poetry has come about in the past. Past sermons I've listened too, talks I've heard, discussions I've been a part of; needless to say I've heard this idea before. But it did not come to full reality until I attend a conference this past April. The focus of the conference: connecting arts to the heart of God.

Over the course of the two day conference I witnessed the lyrical songs of Josh Garrels, attended workshops on the sacred art of listening, creative writing as a spiritual disciple, and the many purposes of song.

The discussion, the seed planting idea of the Bible as poetry was brought forth in one the main sessions. When Tim Mackie read the piece below from Isaiah 30: 9-18. It was during his reading that I become head over heels for the poetry of our Creator.

THIS is what sold me, convinced me...
[Bring out the inner poet within you as you read this aloud]:

For these are rebellious people, deceitful children,
     children unwilling to listen to the Lord's instruction.
They say to the seers,
     "See no more visions!"
and to the prophets,
     "Give us no more visions of what is right!
Tell us pleasant things,
     prophesy illusions.
Leave this way, get off this path,
     and stop confronting us
  with the Holy One of Israel!"
Therefore this is what the Holy One of Israel says:
     "Because you have rejected this message,
          relied on oppression
          and depended on deceit,
     this sin will become for you
          like a high wall, cracked and bulging,
          that collapses suddenly, in an instant.
     It will break in pieces like pottery,
          shattered so mercilessly
     that among its pieces not a fragment will be found
          for taking coals from a hearth
          or scooping water out of a cistern."
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:
     "In repentance and rest is your salvation,
          in quietness and trust is your strength,
          but you would have none of it.
     You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.'
          Therefore you will flee!
     You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.'
          Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
     A thousand will flee
          at the threat of one
     at the threat of five
          you will all flee away,
      till you are left
          like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
          like a banner on a hill."
     Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
          therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
     For the Lord is a God of justice.
          Blessed are all who wait for him! [Isaiah 30: 9-18]

Words are powerful... they shape futures, they change lives. Poems are words. The words of the best book of poetry can shape futures and change lives.

Searching for your story

When you are stuck, you desire a place of creative inspiration. A place filled with overwhelming creativity. A desk overlooking a garden filled with bright colored poppies. A quaint coffee shop on the corner between Central and Eighth. A room where rustic wood lines the walls, covered in vintage black and white photographs.

Photographs of stories. The wrinkled hands of a Navajo woman. The portrait of a flapper girl from the twenties. A "in the moment" snapshot of a young girl wrapped in the beauty of the ocean, searching.
How often we search. We search for meaning, words, stories, lives. We search for people, spouses, children. We search for meaning greater than our own. For faith.
We search.
Now I search for the words to type because I am stuck. I am stuck without words. My writing has halted, stalled.

In one month I will search for adventure. I will wander the mountains, the open field, the mighty big sky. I will search the sky for faith. I will stand arms open. Listening.
Listening for the words I seek. Standing in the purple field of love, from the handiwork of a Creator who loves me. Even in the weeks I fail to bow my head and whisper up a silent prayer. The days I fail to acknowledge a might greater than mine. He loves me.

I am tired of searching. Aren't we all. We see the photographs lining the wall and think they won in their search. Yet the Navajo woman searched for a place to call home as her land was swept out from beneath her. As her culture, her language was torn away from her in rooms boarded with rules. Searching for HER story in the midst of it all. The twenties flapper searched for beauty, for love. She threw herself at the word, searching for acceptance. The young girl at the ocean searched for a stone, a shell. For a smile and a hope.

Add your photograph to the wall. Will you be bent over a typewriter searching for a story. Huddled over a cup of tea searching for the words to say. The life to live. Here is a hint: stop searching for your story and start living it.

Five things to think on

First, to provoke thought:
why does God have me where I am?

A question I ask myself often, but a good one to think on. God is using us in every moment of every day. Be happy with where you are now, even if you'd rather be in a different place.

Second, to strive to be:
humble, gentle, and quiet

"Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." -1 Peter 3: 4

Third, to do more of:
PRAY

Prayer is strong. A friend recently shared a story of prayer with me, her experience brought me to tears. Prayer is powerful. Prayer is not limited to before each meal; be in constant communication with God. 

Fourth, to remember:
when you seek, you receive

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29: 13

Fifth, to know:
that the shadow proves the sunshine

The trials of life illuminate the greatness of God's love and grace. We have to climb the mountain in order to enjoy the view from the top.

Every fiber of our being

Since last fall I have been "leading" a Bible Study on campus. I don't like to use the term leader because I not any wiser, smarter, or scholarly than any of the other girls who attend the study. Rather I see myself as the facilitator: sending out the emails, texts, and coordinating time and place. Last semester we worked our way through Hebrews. The idea behind the study is to take a deeper look into a book of the Bible, one chapter at a time. Each week we read the chapter together, then on our own, and then come back together as a group to discuss likes, dislikes, things we found intriguing or confusing.

I fell in love with this idea and have begun implementing the same idea into my personal quiet time. Currently I am weaving my way through 1 Peter. It is taking me some time to get through the book, as there is so much packed into each chapter. I have been breaking chapters down into sections in order to dig a bit deeper.

Today I read from chapter four verses one through eleven. As I basked in the sunshine I found the words hitting me in all the right places. I began jotting down thoughts in my notebook, and here is what I came up with.

First, you need to live for the will of God.
Honestly, I don't know what this looks like. It's something I have wrestled with during these college years. For now I am taking each day as it comes, moment by moment. I am trusting God.

Second, you need to be clear minded and self-controlled "so that you can pray".
Whoa! Two things I know I need to work on, especially when it comes to prayer. I am not clear minded or self-controlled, rather my mind wanders and I begin to think of what else needs to be done. Something for me to work on.

Third, love each other.
Love is the greatest commandment. "As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love". -2 John 1: 6

Fourth, do so without grumbling.
How often do you grumble? I think so often we think of kids grumbling at not wanting to clean their room or help wash dishes. But, we all do it in one form or another. "There are two ways each of us can approach life: spending our days meeting our need or looking for ways to meet others' needs. The mystery is what when we spend out life focused on out own needs, we are never satisfied and our deepest needs never seem to be met. But when we pour out our life and focus on how we can serve others, not only do we find incredible fulfillment, but our deepest needs are met as well." -Eric Ludy

Last, SPEAK with the very words of God and SERVE with the strength God provides.
A reminder that God is in every fiber of our being.

Here is to health, adventure, and trusting God

Preface 

Every year after the clock strikes I wait for that aha moment; that moment where all of a sudden I want to wake up at 6am, go for a run, be productive, and lose 10lbs. I am waiting for all that in a single clock change. When it comes down to it there is no aha moment. At least not for me. What I have come to realize is that aha moment can come anytime, any day of the year. It is all in the mind. None of this has to do with clock flipping to 12:00. No, it can happen at 4:04 in the afternoon if you want it to.

Here is to health, adventuring, and trusting God 

Do not get me wrong, I like the new year. I too treat it as a time to look back at the year past, and to look to the year ahead. Every New Year's Eve I make a trip to Mt. Pisgah (the "mountain of Holland", which is a big sand dune). I trudge my way 100+ stairs, take in the view of Big Red for a brief second, and then make my way down the trail.

Then I divert.

I know, I am one for rule following, but this is the one time I break them. I squeeze between two fences and work my way to the dune's edge. I find a spot; a spot where fellow dune climbers won't spot the girl who jumped the fence. I nestle down, pull out my journal, and write.

I write of the good, bad, and uglies from the past year. And then I turn the tables and write of the year ahead. I always take a tiny piece of paper with me, and on that paper I jot down my goals for the year ahead. I take a couple pictures of the paper, fold it into a square, and bury it in the sand. Before I bury it I say a prayer, praying for the goals scrawled across that tiny paper. My hope has always been that when times get tough, I can come back to that spot. It has been a challenge since I now spend most of my time 8 hours away.

This year I have three goals. First, to be healthier. Second, to adventure more. Third, to trust God.

So here is to a new year. One filled with the good and bad, the joys and tears.

A year of health and adventure.

A year to trust God.

Conclusion

Don't wait for that aha moment, BE the aha moment.

In the Shadow of Chief

There was this time, were us girls sat around the fire. We were in the shadow of Chief, a mountain we could not conquer.

I sat upon the grass that night thinking of the mountain. And the fear it welled up inside of me. I remembered back to the afternoon, being on the side, shaking. My physical strength was being tested, but even more than that my mental strength. Never before had I been so afraid.

Looking back I don't fully understand the fear. I don't understand why all I wanted to do was sit down and weep. But I will always know that while I was in that moment, I was afraid. I wasn't sure if I was going to come off that sacred mountain.

God was testing me. He was working on me, in that moment of fear. He was asking me to trust him. But I wasn't. I was too caught up in my wobbly knees. I wasn't trusting anything; not Him, not me, no one.

That night, as we sat around the blazing fire, drinking in the moment, I began to understand. I began to feel God. I had come off the mountain, alive, in one piece.
I want to go back, face my fear, and trust the Lord.

In every corner of our lives

How often do we incorporate God into our lives?

How often?

The other day, in my Creative Writing class, I was in reading a piece by Rick Bass entitled "Fire Season". 

The essay as a whole struck me. The piece begins with him in a huckleberry patch, where he writes of:

"huckleberry jam in the coming year, and pancakes and muffins and milkshakes"

But huckleberries aren't the point. 

This is what struck a cord. 

"and I know more than I have ever known that there is no hand of mankind, no technology or science or knowledge, or management directives, the can influence this breath of living, restless earth: And again I feel tiny, puny, even invisible, and it is exhilarating, and I am reminded intensely of what an astounding privilege it is to be alive"

And there I wrote in my quick scribbled handwriting, God.

In class I wanted to raise my hand and say I know the answer; I know what "influences this breath of living, restless earth". 

Lately I have been caught is this struggle of why college? I am now an Undecided major, which simply means I am confused. So the question arises, why college? And to be fully honest, I still sit here in confusion over that question.

But I know this, God is in my classes. I can still find God. He there, woven into the essays, the story stories, and the history I study. I can't skim over that. I can't turn away from classes simply because I am asking the question why?

He is there. 

You just have to look.

"Lord, this is yours"

Content loneliness. That is what I felt as I sat there among the beauty: the trees, the lake, the blue sky.

And there among the beauty, I made a wish.
I threw my lucky penny into the lapping waters of the mighty Lake Superior.

But November 11 of 2011 was more to me than just a day to make the perfect wish. I stood there, in awe, I gave control over to God. I didn't wish; I prayed. It was a prayer of giving over to God. A prayer where I threw my hands up into the air and said "Lord, this is yours".

Before I left the rocky shore of Lake Superior I stood on the highest rock and said these words over and over again: "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all".

Each time I struggle with peace of mind, fear, loneliness, and uncertainty I return to this prayer, and I am reminded that God has got this.