Ease the chaos

Knitting.
I have not been doing it long, and I am a far cry from a pro.
Last week I started and finished my first knit project.

There is something about the clicking of the needles, the repetition of the stitch that soothes an anxious, overactive, overwhelmed mind.

Last week I picked up my knitting needles for the first time in nearly a year. The end of the semester left my mind on overload. I needed to remove myself from the chaos of the semesters end and relax into home.

The more time I spent with thread and needle I remembered the tips and tricks to knitting beyond the first row. As time progressed I started challenging my skills, learning the purl stitch from how-to YouTube videos.

Slowly I am improving. Maybe someday I will be knitting socks, but until then I will wear my SmartWools proudly. For now I am content with my simple creations of headbands and scarves, slowly working my way up to bigger projects. Next up a new cowl scarf to match my new coat.

Here is my challenge to you: take some time away for YOU. Do something to calm that chaotic mind. Whether you get your knitting needles out or curl up with a good book. I challenge you to unplug, relax, and ease your mind. It will make a difference, I promise.

Five to read once more

Nearly a year has gone by. This blog has shifted with each word and photograph placed upon it. I have found difficulty in writing lately, and I apologize for that.

So, here is to the year ahead with many more words to be shared.

Here are five of my favorites post from this past year. Enjoy as you read them once more.

1. I ain't got no friends
2. New Shoes and a Messed Up Toe
3. "You jump, I jump": a story without a perfect ending
4. Endless Sunshine
5. In every corner of our lives

I can

Lining the pages were words of what might be someday. Written in handwriting so distinctly mine. I had written tea, Montana, Natives, kids, mom? Simply written below in the same scrawled handwriting was confusion, unsure, uncertain, overwhelmed.

Those pages have been my life the past months. Written this summer, words strong and true. In time I realized that in the sprawling words of my confusion I could be all. I could drink tea, live in Montana, live life among the Native people, have kids, and be a mom. I can be all that those words represent.
I can.

A little something to ponder

"There are two ways each of us can approach life: spending our days meeting our needs or looking for ways to meet others' needs. The mystery is that when we spend our life focused on our own needs, we are never satisfied and our deepest needs never seem to be met. But when we pour out our life and focus on how we can serve others, not only do we find incredible fulfillment, but our deepest needs are met as well." -Eric Ludy

Starbucks, for the non-coffee lover

Here is to all the non-coffee lovers who tell me the reason they don't go to Starbucks is because they don't like coffee.

1. Tea

You can never go wrong with tea. My favorite from Starbucks is Vanilla Rooibos. 

2. Chai Tea Latte

This may be my favorite drink at Starbucks. But you have to go beyond the plain Chai Tea. I like to mix it up. Some of my favorite creations are:

Pumpkin Spice Chai. Ask for a Pumpkin Spice, with whip, no water, Chai. Trust me, it is autumn in a cup. 

Caramel Chai. This drink is the perfect blend of chai and sweet. Want a bit more sweetness? Ask for whip and caramel drizzle.

3. Hot Chocolate

For all you chocolate lovers you need to try a Hot Chocolate. My personal favorite is the holiday special of the Peppermint Hot Chocolate (which you can get year round).

4. Caramel Apple Spice

This drink is an amazing blend of apple cider and cinnamon; topped with the sweetness of whip and caramel. 

5. Blended Strawberry Lemonade

Even though winter is around the corner, you have to try this. It is wonderful. Add raspberry and whip for perfection. 

In the Shadow of Chief

There was this time, were us girls sat around the fire. We were in the shadow of Chief, a mountain we could not conquer.

I sat upon the grass that night thinking of the mountain. And the fear it welled up inside of me. I remembered back to the afternoon, being on the side, shaking. My physical strength was being tested, but even more than that my mental strength. Never before had I been so afraid.

Looking back I don't fully understand the fear. I don't understand why all I wanted to do was sit down and weep. But I will always know that while I was in that moment, I was afraid. I wasn't sure if I was going to come off that sacred mountain.

God was testing me. He was working on me, in that moment of fear. He was asking me to trust him. But I wasn't. I was too caught up in my wobbly knees. I wasn't trusting anything; not Him, not me, no one.

That night, as we sat around the blazing fire, drinking in the moment, I began to understand. I began to feel God. I had come off the mountain, alive, in one piece.
I want to go back, face my fear, and trust the Lord.

In every corner of our lives

How often do we incorporate God into our lives?

How often?

The other day, in my Creative Writing class, I was in reading a piece by Rick Bass entitled "Fire Season". 

The essay as a whole struck me. The piece begins with him in a huckleberry patch, where he writes of:

"huckleberry jam in the coming year, and pancakes and muffins and milkshakes"

But huckleberries aren't the point. 

This is what struck a cord. 

"and I know more than I have ever known that there is no hand of mankind, no technology or science or knowledge, or management directives, the can influence this breath of living, restless earth: And again I feel tiny, puny, even invisible, and it is exhilarating, and I am reminded intensely of what an astounding privilege it is to be alive"

And there I wrote in my quick scribbled handwriting, God.

In class I wanted to raise my hand and say I know the answer; I know what "influences this breath of living, restless earth". 

Lately I have been caught is this struggle of why college? I am now an Undecided major, which simply means I am confused. So the question arises, why college? And to be fully honest, I still sit here in confusion over that question.

But I know this, God is in my classes. I can still find God. He there, woven into the essays, the story stories, and the history I study. I can't skim over that. I can't turn away from classes simply because I am asking the question why?

He is there. 

You just have to look.

The Start. Looking back to June 22.

June 22, 2012:

Lately I have giving myself reason as to why I don't need to go to Montana. I keep questioning myself, asking "did I make the right choice?" But it is time for me to suck it up and face the fact that I need to go to Montana. It is not about whether or not I want to. No, I need too. Because right now I need it.

I am at the crucial time, that crucial age. That age where the experiences you have will most likely shape the course of your future. And that downright frightens me. What if? What if these next five weeks change the course of my future?

It all boils down to change. Change, to put it plain and clear is something I don't do well with. For me to go from school, to home, to Montana, to home, to school is well... stressful.
Yet, tucked in the back of my mind is this idea that Montana is the breathe of fresh air I am longing for. It is going to offer me time. Time to dig into myself, to listen, and to explore.

I remind myself often that life is a journey. A walk lead by the best guide of all, God. Montana is another step in the journey. I am trusting my guide. I know Montana is where I need to go; where I need to be this summer. I am going there for a reason. Although I don't know the reason, I know it is going to be good.
Montana is what I need.

Haven't Forgotten [You]

"Please remember me, happily
by the rose bush laughing"

A desire to be remembered, not quickly forgotten.
To be that girl you in vision
happy and laughing

I want to be that girl. Someone you are
"caught in the kitchen [with]
with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention" 

I want you to know that I am
"still pretty"

I hope that
"we'll meet again"
that you will
"remember me as in the dream"

And that you won't forget me
For I haven't forgotten
you.


thanks to Iron and Wine for the lyrics.

#11: Real romance...

I have been meaning to write. Hoping to write. Some how in the past three days I haven't quite found the time.

There have been many thoughts swirling in my head. But for the sake of my brain (which has been crammed with coffee knowledge for the past three days), I can going to keep this post simple. I like simple.

Today I was scanning Pinterest, which is a common past time of mine when I don't feel like doing anything on my to-do list. Anyways, while scanning I stumbled on this blog post 20 Things I Want To Tell Engaged And Newlywed Women. First off I know I am not engaged or married, but as a woman I couldn't resist reading the post.
And what a great read it was. This post is filled with  words every woman should hear and read. I recommend you read it; it is the only way you will get the full affect.

#11: Real romance is finding that one spot in the crook of his arm to snuggle into, that shared look over the dinner table when the kids are acting crazy, and the way he fixes the leaky sink when he is dog-tired after work.

I liked this one. It just stuck for me. Romance isn't all what the movies show it to be. It is the bond, the love, the moments shared.
Thinking about it gives me butterflies.

Endless Sunshine

For me I find summer time a difficult time to write. The sunshine streaming through the window is more alluring than the computer screen. When I write I like to be comforted by a cozy sweater, while resting in an oversized, old fashion chair, with a cup of tea beside me. And those things don't occur in the summer. Rather I am out exploring grassy fields, adventuring over mountains, and basking in the skin bronzing sunshine.

Writing days are the days where autumn leaves cover the once green grass. Days when the temperature is a chilling -10 degrees. Days when the snow flies so heavily you can barely see past the tree outside your window. Those are the days; the days where you are held captive by walls.

For summer brings few words. Instead it brings exploration and discovery. It is the time to let loose, be free, and wander the beautiful land. A time where you can sleep underneath the stars without fearing frost bite. A time to bask your feet in the sun's rays in order to perfect the Chaco tan. But more important than star grazing and sun bathing is the moments created. The relationships built, tears shed, and laughs shared. It is the memories. The moments never to be forgotten. The moments that shape and pave who you are.

For the days of being held inside will come quick enough. And when those days come I can write of the adventures had, stories created, and time spent in the endless sunshine of summer.

I fell, and I fell hard.

The past five weeks I have been out of touch with what many call the "real" world. I haven't watched any of the London 2012 Olympics; I haven't had access to the internet. To put it plain and simple I was disconnected. Instead I was out climbing mountains, sleeping in a tipi, and falling deeply in love.

I fell, and I fell hard.

In a recent blog post my mom wrote this: "I listened as I heard a part of her heart falling in love with Montana. A part that was left there, to grow, so that she can return to reclaim it".

I grew in countless way. I lived. I loved.
I can't put it all down in words now, for everything is like stars scattered in the night sky. But, I promise to share all the stories of laughter, fear, and tears.

Stay in touch, for I will write. I promise.

Tea in a new way

For the past two weeks I have been drinking tea in a new way: smoothie form. It is just like being back up in MQT and sipping away on a smoothie from Smoothie King. Only, this isn't any plain jane strawberry banana smoothie. My smoothie: a Matcha smoothie.

A couple weekends ago I ventured out and went to a "Tea Cupping" class at Light of Day Organics in Traverse City. It was a pure delight. One of the best classes I have been to in a long time. (More to come on the delights of this class in a later post). For now the focus is Matcha. 

Matcha is:

"the oldest and most premium variety of green tea in Japan- the mother of all green tea! For over 800 years, Zen Buddhist monks have been using Matcha green tea as a meditational drink. Matcha is very exquisite; only a few dozen tea farmers in Japan own the extensive knowledge required to produce this tea. Matcha tea leaves grow slowly in shaded tea plantations. The fresh leaves are primarily handpicked, dried and ground by low friction granite stone mills into an ultra fine, jade green powder, and finally whisked traditionally with a bamboo whisk or can be prepared in a smoothie. The result is a unique, creamy velvet, full-bodied cup of premium green tea- extremely high in antioxidants, amino acids and other nutrients." 

To sum it all up Matcha is healthy. Very healthy.

In it all I decided to kick start a new lifestyle: a healthier, more productive, happier one. The Monday after returning home from a vacation I rolled out of bed at 5:30am. I spent the next hour of my morning on a bike ride, riding down to Holland State Park and beginning my morning alongside the lapping shore of Lake Michigan. Once I returned home I ate breakfast, jumped in the shower, and then enjoyed a cup of Chamomile tea all before 8am. By mid-morning I had scratched off half of the things on my to-do list.

I remember sitting outside that morning with my freshly made Matcha smoothie thinking to myself, "what a day it is going to be!"

Matcha Smoothie Recipe
In a blender blend:
1 cup pineapple juice
1 cup coconut milk or almond milk
1 banana (or fruit of your choice)
1/2 tsp. matcha powder (purchased at http://lightofdayorganics.com/).

Thanks to Light of Day Organics.

Tea, tea, and more tea

I have been attempting to post everyday this week. And while I have a couple posts in progress none are quite ready for their reveal. So I thought I would post a photograph. A photograph of all the tea we purchased while Up North. I have tried almost all of them (minus Sunday Morning, which I am waiting to make until Sunday morning, just for kicks).

All I can say is that spending those 10 days Up North visiting different tea shops, trying different teas, and learning more about tea increased my desire even more for a tea shop someday. Although that someday is a far ways off, I (with fingers-crossed) have a few possible "tea training" internships for next summer. 

Beauty

So often I get caught up in what beauty is. The world portrays a message to us, all of us young and old, that beauty is perfection. I believe beauty is the perfection of the imperfection (if that makes sense). To simplify: beauty is the signs of life being lived:

Florence Photo Credit: Sarah Huizenga

Sun-kissed skin. Fresh freckles.

The painting of a young child.

The weathered hands of an elderly woman.

Beauty is the little things.

I did a tiny bit of research and looked up beauty in the dictionary. Here is what I found. Beauty is "the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind". And you know what, I fully agree with that definition. Beauty is what pleases you. The qualities present, whether big or little, that bring joy. 

Tea, tea has a quality to it that brings me joy; therefore, I find a refreshing cup of tea beautiful. 

What got me thinking on all of this was a piece I read this morning. It is from a recent purchase of mine, a book of inspiration. Here is a part of what I read: 

"The beauty of life is everywhere around you. Open your eyes and see it, absorb it, appreciate it, reflect it and become a part of it. When you expect to see beauty, you will see it; whereas when you expect to see ugliness, you will do so. The choice is always yours". 

Soak in the beauty of life; for life is beautiful.

Stones as Art

June 7, 2012:

Tonight I reached new heights. I skipped a stone, 7-8 skips, over the still waters of Lake Michigan. 

Now I can skip two, sometimes three times, it isn't that I have never skipped a stone before. I just happened to skip a good one this time. 

Photo Credit: Sarah Huizenga

I have spent the past three days perfecting the art of stone skipping. Searching the sand for the right stone: smooth, not to big, or to small. One that I can get a good grip on, allowing for a good spin when released from my hand. Tonight I stumbled upon the perfect stone. 

The water was still, like glass. The sun was beginning to dip behind the treeline. Creating the perfect setting for the perfect skip. And it was the perfect skip. Days of practice finally paid off. No one was there to watch me or snap a picture. Just me and the water. Priceless. 

I have always been a stone collector. Picking up one after the other. Finding a hint of beauty even in the dullest of stones. I let the water wash over the stone to let its true identity shine. 

I was that little girl on the beach picking up stones until my tiny hands could hold no more. I would bring each one home with me, not wanting to leave any behind. 

With my love for stones one would think I should have gone into the field of geology. But the thing is I don't care about how the stone formed, what glacier smoothed it, or what kind of it is. I like stones for their beauty, their color, their pattern. To me stones are art, not science. They are little pieces of art that litter the beach; God's gift of beauty to the shoreline. A gift I don't feel the need to examine or study, but rather, to enjoy. 

Hushed Voices and Quiet Giggles

I felt like a little kid all over again. There I was lying alongside my five year old cousin... talking. Talking in whispered voices as if making sure no one heard our conversation.

I had been babysitting Evan and his older sister, Anna that evening. As the night wore on, bedtime arose. Bedtime. The dreaded bedtime. The "but Mal we aren't tired", "can't we stay up with you", and "are you going to stay the night".

Once they were both in bed with the lights out I settled down in the chair with my book in hand. Before long Evan came out, "will you come lay in bed with me". I told him no saying it was time for him to go to sleep (knowing if I went in there he would talk to me the whole time). So back to bed he went. A little time passed by before I once again heard his footsteps in the hallway. Looking up from my book I see him standing there, again asking if I will come lay with him. Needless to say I gave in this time.

Before crawling into bed with him, he made sure I had two stuff animals and a blanket. So there I was two stuff animals in hand and a blanket that covered only my legs; listening to Evan as he told me one thing after the next: funny jokes, stories from school, and more.

And there we were, Evan and I in his little twin size bed. He as innocent as a five year old and me regressing back into childhood. It made me think what if I would've had a sibling to whisper with late at night? Only to realize that wouldn't have changed the happiness of my childhood, rather only would've created different memories. It made me look forward to the day that I have kids of my own. Kids to lay alongside one another at night whispering about the secrets of life. To be a mother and hear their hushed voices and quiet giggles.

I am glad. Glad that I gave in to Evan's plea for me to join him. Glad to have had the moment to bring me back to the wonders of being a kid.

Still here, still brewing ideas

Catch up. An update of sorts. A preface to the following chapters yet to be written... posted.

I have been on vacation, am on vacation, and will continue to be on vacation for the rest of the week. I have not abandoned my blog, merely given it a vacation as well. But ideas have been brewing (along with the countless cups of tea I have had, including the cup of Mid Summer Peach that I am sipping away at now). Ideas have been thought of, revised in my head, and written down.

Also, I am looking at making some design changes, so don't be surprised if the next time you stumble on the site that there is a new layout filled with new colors and fonts. Even though there will be design changes it will still be me. Still writing about life... still drinking tea, a cup of tea.

Shifted

One thing I have learned is that I have become quite inadequate at getting things done. I could blame the summer weather, the long days of lounging in the sunshine, or the adventures waiting to be had. But it is time for me to face the fact that I have changed. It isn't the weather or the adventures to be had, it is me.

College is a great shifter. When I entered into college my whole life shifted. I went from the life I have been used to for the past 18 years to a new town with new people nearly 8 hours away from home. But it was the best decision I ever made. Sure it was scary and nerve racking. There were the teary eyes phone calls home asking for my parents to come pick me up. But I won't change a thing. My life shifted, it changed. College was great, and is great. College is filled with the little moments that leave a big impact. Totally worth every tear shed, laugh shared, and penny spent.

No longer are the daily to-do lists filled with this that and another thing. College relaxed me, it allowed me to step back from the lists of life and enjoy each moment as it comes. Yea, there are still the emails needing to be answer, the train ticket waiting to be purchased, the stack of clothes sitting on my desk. Those things haven't gone away. There is still a mental to-do list floating in my mind, it just isn't as present. For there is the sunshine, the adventures, the moments to be cherished.

I guess it comes down to balance. Balancing the mental to-do list with fun lovin' moments of life. For now I will sit back and enjoy the sunshine. There is always later, always tomorrow, but for now I am going to enjoy a cup of tea.

A good read for fellow women

This is for all you women out there. I read this article, When It Isn't a Skinny Day last night and it hit the spot for me. I have always struggled with self image (as most, if not all women do). One area that is of constant struggle is keeping the extra weight off. I am considered by most people a "skinny girl", and for the most part I agree with them. I have always been on the smaller side, ever since I was a child. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with not feeling skinny enough because I do.

So for all you fellow women out there who struggle with not feeling skinny enough read this article. Enjoy it; let the words sink in; return to it often to read and reread the important message it displays to women who feel like their "skinny is gone".  

URL: http://goodwomenproject.com/beauty/when-it-isnt-a-skinny-day

Just another accident

To most it looked like just another accident.
Front end collision.
Air bag deployed on driver side.
Two people: driver and passenger. The driver stuck, trapped by the air bag, possibly injured.
Worse than a fender bender, but not bad enough to take a life.

As I drove by I didn't see just another accident like the other passing drivers; I felt it.

I wanted to go up to smashed car and tell those two that everything was going to be alright. I wanted to tell them that yes, your life will never be quite the same. You will cringe at drivers who turn to close or those who swerve a bit to far into your lane. You will be cautious, take fewer risks, but you will be okay. You are going to walk away from this alright. It will be hard. There are going to be rough days. A week from today you will be lying in bed with tears streaming down your face; you will be asking "why me, why us?"  Yet, no one will have an answer for you. That is how life is; you learn to roll with the punches. You learn that life is precious and that at any moment it could be swept out from underneath you. You thought you were invincible, but you weren't, you aren't, and you never will be.
But you will be fine.. you really will. It will only make you stronger. You learn to love life even more, to cherish each moment. You know you are here for a reason; that your life was spared because God has plans for you beyond your imagination. Remember this all on the rough days. On the day you go out to buy a new car to replace the one that saved your life. Remember that you are strong and that life is yours to live, so live it!

I wanted to share that with those two as they sat in their smashed car muttering "oh, shit" to themselves. Yet, as much as they needed to hear it, I, myself needed to hear it. For if I were to be honest with myself I am still dealing with, still recovering from my own front end collision.

You take what you get

Last week was the return trip home. The trip from one home to the other.
Sitting there in passenger seat I watched Marquette pass by, and I thought back. And there in that moment I pulled out my journal and began writing. Writing down each thought swirling in my mind. Writing on the past eight, nearly nine months of my life.

The tears that fall are tears of joy. The joy of all the good times; the memories made. The late nights filled with midnight snack runs. The wallyball games where laughter caused sides to hurt. The early Saturday morning cycling class with a post workout trip to Smoothie King. The afternoon pool games which I occasionally won. And Monday nights filled with Castle, laughter, and challenging life questions.
The conversations: priceless.
The times of almost falling off the chair. The crazy sayings spoken in the early morning hours by a mind running on low. "You take what get".
And that is it; you take what you get and you run with it. You embrace the time. You live in the moment. That is what college is all about; that is what life is about.
And to all those who helped shape these good times... Goodbyes are hard, but it isn't really goodbye rather see you later. A time will come once again where our lives will intertwine. A time where we create more memories, have more laughs, share more conversations about life. 

Being home everyone has asked me how the first year was. I answer in the simplest way possible: "It was awesome; I loved it up in the UP". Those two things are both true, but to tell someone how my first year truly was would take more time than just one cup of tea. My first year was more than just awesome. It was  a year of growth, learning, discovery. The list could go on. I could talk of times of laughter and tears. Times of fear, trial, and overcoming. In it all one discovery is key: tea. Without tea so much wouldn't be. Tea has become more to me than just a drink for a sore throat. It has become life.
My first year; a cup of tea.

"When these words will come out right"

I have been a bit tripped up on what to write as of late. I feel as if I have a billion thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head. Bear with me. I will get around to sorting the humble jumble out in my head. I promise. I haven't completely lost touch. Not to fear.

Also I am home, which puts life in a limbo until I can readjust enough to function properly.

"And every time thoughts tumble down
my mind is unwound
so much to say
maybe on another day
when these words will come out right"
-Josh Garrels, Songbird 

Just be

"Being" is never easy.

Life never allows the mind to just be.

Why?

First, the lyrics to the Creed song "Weathered" come to mind: 

I lie awake on a long dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killin' me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No, maybe I can't accept the life that's mine

'Cause me, I'm rusted and weathered 

For me "I can't seem to tame my mind".

There is:

A maybe, potential relationship hanging out in the unknown
A temptation of what I thought I wanted trying to draw me away
Deciding on a job for fall semester
Finals; finishing the year strong
Reconnecting with my life at home
Nailing down babysitting jobs for the summer
Raising support for Summer Project
Packing to leave my home away from home
Leaving beautiful Marquette
Finding a car
Changing my major

 The list could go on.

Today, I checked one thing off the list. I finished my thirteen page formal report on the benefits of tea (which, I apologize, has kept me from posting the past week).

But not everything on my untamed mind is able to be checked off the list. A number of these things can't be figured out or completed by me sitting in Starbucks for hours on end.
Rather, they stem back to my trust in God. For he is the one sitting in Starbucks working on my to-do list. He is the one checking things off when the time is right.
So what do I do?

Be.

Because that is all I can do.

Patience. It is a virtue, and mine is being tested. God knows my flaws; he knows when I need to be tried and tested.

Last night I wrote this is my journal "God, this is all yours". There isn't a thing I can do other than put my untamed mind in his hands and...
just be.

Silent tears of emotion

I would not call myself an overly emotional person. Yeah, I am girl and yes, I get emotional. I have a breakdown every now and then, but overall tears do not flow easily.

Yet here I sit with tears rolling down my face and snot coming out of my nose. That horrible mixture of tears and snot collecting on my upper lip, rolling down into my mouth. This isn't a sob of a broken heart, but silent tears of emotion.

Why? Because I read this blog post written by my mom: Becoming a Finisher: Sacrifice.

I was prepared, don't get me wrong. My mom warned me. She told me next time I logged on I would discover this post. I knew that tears were going to fall.
But this is what got me. This lead to the silent tears of emotion, as I read it over and over:

"I remember sitting in her driver's seat, where she had been driving along happily in the beautiful sunshine only an hour ago. I looked over to the passenger seat and there was her cell phone, sitting perfectly in place like it was waiting for a call from me saying "Let's stop for lunch". Her iPod was still in its little cubby, probably still playing her favorite tunes, if I could have still heard it. I remember putting the shifter in park and turning off the key, something so final in that gesture that such sadness overwhelmed me, I just had to stop for a few minutes and pray, and breathe and cry. I removed the key from the ignition".

These words turn into a picture; a picture I can see so clearly. As if I was standing there, watching.

But, "I'm fine". I always was and I always will be.

"You jump, I jump": a story without a perfect ending

The other night I filled the pages of my journal with quotes from the Titanic. As many of you know the Titanic recently hit theaters in 3D.

This past weekend, while many went home for Easter weekend, a friend and I hit the theaters. I haven't seen the Titanic that many times, mainly because it is a three hour plus long movie. But each time it gets me. Now don't roll your eyes. I admit, I am in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, well not really him, but I have a love for his voice (don't roll your eyes again). But that is besides the point.

The Titanic is a classic. It is one of those movies on everyone's must see list. Why, because it is a story of life. It doesn't end in happy ever after.

The reason as to why I am writing a post on the Titanic is because it is a story of life. A real story; there are not fireworks of happiness at the end. Jack and Rose don't get married; they don't go off into the sunset; they don't both live to tell the tale of how they survived the sinking. No. Jack dies. Rose lives. Yet for Rose, her life will never be the same. If Jack hadn't come into her life she would have jumped.

"Winning that ticket, Rose was the best things that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do this honor. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise".
"I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go". 

I don't know how to perfectly sum up the movie; I don't know how to plainly put the meaning into words. You can call me a hopeless romance if you want, but this isn't just a movie about love. It is a movie of "learn[ing] to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count".

"I know. It doesn't make any sense that's why I trust it". -Rose

 "You jump, I jump. Remember? I can't turn away without knowing you'll be all right". -Jack

"I figure life is a gift, and I don't intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count". -Jack

Picture Credit: http://a.abcnews.com/images/Technology/ap_titanic_movie_leo_kate_winslet_thg_120403_wg.jpg

Something for Me

Over Spring Break I fell in love with my mom's 50mm Canon camera lens. Many of the afternoons you could find me by the window snapping away pictures of a steaming cup of tea or a vase full of flowers.

Once I returned back to school, I realized how much I missed the lens. So I broke down, gave in, and bought myself my very own 50mm camera lens.

Pure joy. I was like a kid on a Christmas day when I received the package in the mail. Now most nights you can find me in my room taking pictures of all sorts of things: steaming tea, eye glasses, hand written letters, and me (yes, even me).

I could have saved my money; could have bought a text book or two for the fall semester. But I didn't. Instead I did something for me (which I don't do often).

Sometimes you have to give in.
Sometimes you have to treat yourself.
Why? Because you deserve it.

"I ain't got no friends"

I like to proclaim that "I ain't got no friends". Hear me out; there is a reason to the craziness of this statement. Think for a moment. How many of your friends have your back? Really, think about it. How many actually would be there for you 100%, one hundred percent of the time? How many can you truly be honest with; not cover up a single thing? Who can you call at four in the morning and know they will be there for you? Who of your friends will accept you for who you are, yet still help you to become what you should?

Has your list become limited down to a number you can only count on one hand? If not, then you either one lucky person or you are great at lying to yourself.
For years I was lying to myself. In high school I had a large group of friends. I thought of them as close friends, friends who had my back.

But I did not fully understand true friendship until college. I have met a vast number of people since last August, and I can't call them all true friends. Not all of them have my back 100%, one hundred percent of the time, and that is okay. But what matters is that I have a couple. I have a couple who I can be fully honest with; a couple who I can call upon at four in the morning; a couple who accept me, yet push me.

In this thought of "I ain't got no friends", I started thinking to myself. Am I a true friend? Am I giving 100%, one hundred percent of the time? Honestly, I don't know. It is my new challenge; my goal to strive for.

I was sitting on my computer the other night reading through quotes (yes, I do this often). I stumbled upon these three:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving us advice, solution, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,  face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -Henri Nouwen

"A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself." -Frances Ward Weller

"A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should." -Unknown

Find the gems among the rubble. Find the friends that will have your back. The friends that accept you for you, but help you to become a better you. The friends that stand beside you through each smile and tear. In it all don't forget to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I a true friend?".

Spilled Tea

A couple weeks ago I wrote this down: "My sheets are  now officially loved, as I just spilled tea all over them".

Tonight this simple phrase inspired the photographer in me.

Yet, it also got me thinking. 

So often we are focused on having everything perfect. That night I spilled tea on my sheets I could have reacted in one of two ways. One, I could have gotten all upset, stripped my sheets off my bed and thrown them in the wash. Second, I could have shrugged it off, and trusted that my sheets would now have the sweet smell of Caramel tea. 

I chose the second. Life is meant to be lived. Living in the little things. Each reaction, each moment of life is set my your attitude. Think on this, the next time you spill tea all over your sheets, how are you going to react? 

We Forget

Tonight I was reading back through old blog posts that I wrote, but never actually posted. I came upon one that I had entitled "Happiness". The post began as so:

"Ever wonder why you are here? What is your purpose?" 

Ever since the car accident I have dealt more readily with this question of purpose. I often cry out to God, asking him why he can't just send down an angel to tell me plain and clear what I am to do with my time here on earth. But God doesn't work like that. Life is a journey. It is a path that twists from side to side, backtracks, and continues on forward.

Search.
Seek to find.

Think of the little things, the simple things you love in life. When looking back through this old post, "Happiness", I read of my snow day adventure with good friends.

"Cold snow, a smack in the face, snow built up in my ear. Wonder. Pure happiness as the snowflakes fell, dancing downward. Laughter". 

So often we get overwhelmed by the big questions in life that we forget the little. We forget the days of building snow forts. We forget the intensity of snowfall fights. We forget to watch the snowflakes fall, drifting down one by one. We get so wrapped up in the crazy big questions. We forget. We forget what pure happiness is.

"Lord, this is yours"

Content loneliness. That is what I felt as I sat there among the beauty: the trees, the lake, the blue sky.

And there among the beauty, I made a wish.
I threw my lucky penny into the lapping waters of the mighty Lake Superior.

But November 11 of 2011 was more to me than just a day to make the perfect wish. I stood there, in awe, I gave control over to God. I didn't wish; I prayed. It was a prayer of giving over to God. A prayer where I threw my hands up into the air and said "Lord, this is yours".

Before I left the rocky shore of Lake Superior I stood on the highest rock and said these words over and over again: "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all".

Each time I struggle with peace of mind, fear, loneliness, and uncertainty I return to this prayer, and I am reminded that God has got this.

Swing Away The Thoughts

At the hour most people are deep in slumber, I lie awake.

3:30am: I sat there watching, hearing the rain pour down outside my window.
As I sat there I couldn't shut off the valve of thoughts. Each thought racing after another, one by one, running.

Just because I am getting older doesn't mean I can't have a carefree mind of child like innocence. Just because I see the hurts and struggles of this world doesn't mean I can't be wild and free.

For me I search for ways to connect with childhood. Ways to connect to a carefree mind; connect to a time where each thought in the race floats away, even if just for a minute.

My way of connection: swings.
They embody fun: soaring high, feeling your stomach drop as you come back down. Yet swings, swings are so much more to me than a rush of adrenaline. Swings allow all the thoughts to float away. It is as if my thoughts float up with me, then drift off high into the sky, and don't come back down with me.

Swings are innocence.
Swings are letting go of each thought in the race.
Swings are finding you in your childhood innocence.


As I sat there watching the clock tick closer to 4am, I wished I was on a swing, swinging away the thoughts.

No Harm In It

Sunshine.
You can't go wrong with sunshine.
Add a cup of Vanilla Rooibos tea to your day, and you got yourself a good day.

Lately I have been addicted to Starbucks Vanilla Rooibos tea. I find myself wandering down to Starbucks a couple times a week to grab a cup. No harm in that, right? Well when I have ten plus different kinds of teas sitting in my dorm room, the last thing I should be doing is buying a grande cup of tea.

But the thing is on a day like today, with the sun shining and birds chirping, a cup of tea from Starbucks just adds to the wonderfulness of the day. And I believe there is no harm in buying a cup of tea when it makes your day that many times better than it already was.

Some Things Never Change

There are some things that never change.
Is that statement true or not? I don't know.

Yet, one thing has remained the same throughout the past eighteen years of my life: grandpa's cookies.

His cookies have always filled the cookie jar. As a child, and even now I can't leave my grandparent's house without a cookie in hand.

These cookies aren't anything grand, just the plain old packaged ones from Family Fare. But to me these cookies are priceless. They represent time spent at my grandparents. They represent: tractor driving, tent sleeping, walking down to the river, honey collecting times with my grandpa.

These cookies are my favorite; no matter what they will always be.

New Shoes and a Messed Up Toe

For those of you who know me, you know I love my Chaco sandals. Ask me sometime and I can rattle off reason upon reason as to why I have a love affair with these sandals.

Yesterday was a treat. Why? Because I got a new pair of Chacos. Yep you heard right folks pair number five arrived via UPS yesterday. Needless to say they didn't sit in the box for long. Before you knew it I was strutting abound the house in a brand new spanking pair of Chacos.

Downside, I can only wear the left sandal for the next couple days.
Today I got two chunks of my big toe nail on my right foot cut out due to an ingrown toenail. But hey, it isn't stopping me from wearing my Chacos, even if one foot must remain "Chacoless".

Worth It

Donating blood. It is on a lot of people list of "things to do before I die", but it was never on mine.

Never.

I am not that scared of needles, or at least no more then the average person. What freaked me out was the length of time you sit there with that darn needle shoved into your arm. That scared me the most.

But.
I gave blood this past Tuesday
Yep, you heard me right. I gave blood and I am still here to tell the tale.

It took one friend; one good friend to convince me to give.
Don't get me wrong, I held out in my stubbornness for some time. But in the end I gave in.

I was pale in fear from the moment I awoke Tuesday morning; wondering what the world I had gotten myself into the night before.
I drank water all day, and looked for reason after reason as to why I would be unable to give blood.

3:30 came. I found my friend, already busy filling out paperwork. I stood before him with shear panic on my face. I just couldn't do it.
I just couldn't.
But, much to my disappointment I passed through each step, and there I stood in that line ready (or in my case not so ready) to give away a pint of blood.

Why? Well I could rattle off a number of reason as to why I was standing in that line Tuesday. One reason: to help save lives.
I helped save a life.
I did it.
And.
It was worth it. Each and every ounce of blood was worth it. Each second the needle was stuck in my arm was worth it.

Would Faith Survive?

In church today our pastor talked about having joy, joy in Christ. He talked about how joy in Christ can help you see light even in darkness. Somewhere in the sermon he referred to the holocaust and it got me thinking... 

What if. 

What if I was a child in the holocaust?

How would my faith be different?

What if life was turned so upside down that I didn't know right from left. If life felt so helpless, lost.

Would I have joy?

Would my joy in Christ overcome my fear of death? Would my joy carry me through? Would I believe in a better day, or would I be caught in fear?

Would fear take over, or would faith survive?

Narrow Life into Three

Each Monday night is shared among friends. We laugh, we share, we learn. This week we asked each other what the three goals of our life are. What timing for such a question because let me just tell you I don' t have a clue.
But I came up with these three:

1. To have a family. Let's just say I was a bit surprised to hear these words come out of my mouth as my first goal. I have always wanted to get married; always had that dream of finding my Prince Charming. While kids, kids were placed on the back burner. I just wasn't sure. I have done a lot of babysitting in my lifetime, and I just didn't think motherhood would ever be on my list of things to become. I guess more or less I was caught up in the fact that if I were to become a mother I couldn't be me, that I would lose all sense of adventure, and that I would lose myself. Times have changed, and thoughts shifted. So many have told me that I would make a great mother someday (someday being a LONG ways away). So yes, kids. I think kids are in my future.

2. To own a tea shop. Yep, folks. That is right. I would love to have a tea shop. Simple as that.

3. To live my life with God at the center. Giving control over to him, letting him lead me down the paths of my life. And knowing that I don't have to do anything with my life other than just live it!

Valentine's Day

Ever feel like your mind is running a marathon that you never had planned on running?

One. I am not a runner.
But I have been trying lately, with trying being the key word in this equation. A friend recently told me that the quickest way to get in shape is to run. Well I have been running, but more running has been occurring in head then my body.

Running.

Well it is time to stop running.
It is time to stop.
Stop, sit, and reconnect.
Reconnect with God. I would say reconnect with myself, but the only way a re-connection with myself is going to occur is if I reconnect with God.

Today is Valentine's Day. Sure it isn't my favorite holiday. I mean as a single always looking to mingle... let's just say Valentine's Day is good at putting the emphasis on the single. But this Valentine's Day is different. I got my early morning adventure, but that is besides the point.
Valentine's Day is about love. My Valentine's Day is about my love with God. I recently read a great article on Good Women that emphasized the focus of loving God. I think so often we get wrapped up in the love stories of this world, that we forget our story of love and life being written with our awesome Father in Heaven.

So who is my valentine this Valentine's Day?
God.

A Toast to Tea

There are a number of things I love. One of them: tea. It is simple: I love tea. It all began with one cup of chamomile in the marketplace of Northern Michigan University. For someone who use to hate hot drinks, I now declare myself an addict. It was love from the first sip.

But to me tea has become more than just a drink. It has enveloped my life. It has been there through the ups and downs. The hopeless romance, the burdened week of finals, time spent home, the accident, and new beginnings.

I sit here with a toast to new beginnings. I toast to a cup of tea.

Still Alive

Today it hit me.

I am still alive.

I know. Crazy thing to say. But the more and more I thought about, both when talking to a good friend and while contemplating it in the shower, I am lucky to be alive. If that truck would have hit the driver side door there is no way I would have walked away from that crash alive. No way. God blessed me. I have to stop thinking on the material things of this world.

I am alive.
I am still here.
God still has a purpose for my life.

Invincible No More

To be honest, I don't know why I am here. There must be a reason. There must be a purpose. Yet, I know not. I wish I could say that I had it all figured out, but I don't. I don't have a thing figured out.

A cup of tea; a cup of tea for each tear I cried, each smile, each laugh, each whispered prayer to God in the black of night.

I wish I had the answers to life. I wish I had the hope I desire. I wish I could have the motivation to move mountains.

Sadly, I feel a part of me was left on 1-75 that day. A part of my heart will always be scattered along the road: lost, confused, and uncertain of why. Why invincible Mallory hit a patch of ice, spun out of control, and was hit by another car. Why?

"though they may surround us like lions
and crush us on all side,
we may fall, but we will rise
not by my might nor my power
or by the strength of souls
only through Your love, my Lord"
-Rise by Josh Garrels 

Stairs

Kids are good at melting my heart. I don't know if it is because I am at that stage where motherhood begins to enter the mind, but man oh man.

Never before have I become choked up with babysitting, yet tonight while babysitting my cousins, Anna and Evan I got emotional.

Evan had knocked down one of Anna's buildings, so I took him aside and talked to him about what he had done wrong. I then asked him what the best thing would be to do. He answered (I don't know if out of heart or just wanting to go play again) that apologizing to Anna is what he needed to do. I told him that that would be the right thing to do, and to throw a hug in there as part of his apology. Needless to say he gave Anna of the most sincere apologies I have ever seen a four year old give. It brought me to tears watching the two. I had to remove myself from the room, where I sat on the stairs wondering what I desired more: a brother or children to call my own.

Perfectly as Planned

I think of the hardest things to do in life is to let go. Whether it be letting go of someone you love who doesn't feel the same to saying goodbye to an old, unwanted habit.
Letting go is hard. 
Yet, it is something we all have to do. I have come to realize that you have to let one thing go: control. In order to fully live out life you have to give God total control. Easier said than done, trust me I am no pro at this. Yet I am learning. Each day is a step forward. It takes time, dedication, and willingness. Yet the payoff is worth the while. Why? Because when God is in control all goes perfectly as planned.

Overwhelming Desire

The other day I entered into one of the shops downtown Holland. It is filled with the warm delights of outerwear; a place I often shop for the perfect fleece, a pair of cozy smartwool socks, even my wonderful Osprey backpack was bought there. This visit I stumbled upon one of the long North Face coats. The kind that cover your rear end and upper legs. Of course the coat just happened to be 25% off and there just happened to be one small left. Red flag though the coat still created sticker shock. As a college student just coming off paying for my first semester the savings account is running low. Yet the desire of want took over. I started running through all the pros to owning it. I mean I live in the UP for crying out loud; I need to stay warm this winter. Needless to say I walked away from the coat that day.

Today I returned secretly wishing someone had bought the coat, so that my decision would be made. It was still there. And I still walked away empty handed.

The coat still lingers on my mind. But then I got thinking if I am that quick to spend that much money on something for me, why can't I spend that money elsewhere, put it to good use. I have decided that rather than spending a hand and a foot for a coat, why not donate the money? I haven't officially decided on where I am going to donate too yet, but I think I am going to send the money to Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore with a little note saying, "a little extra to help teach children the wonders of the wilderness".

Hitting my Rock Bottom

Last night I cried myself to sleep. That is a first for me. Never before have I laid in bed with tears rolling down my check. I cried out to God. I cried out that I can love myself again.

Last night was hard.

The past few weeks have been hard. It is all in my head. Change takes time. I feel God is working his first lesson for the year 2012: patience.

It is time to draw myself together. Last night and today brought me the lowest of lows; the only direction is up. I promise to myself that I will draw myself together, have confidence in who I am, and climb the mountain.

A Spoonful of Honey

If there is one thing in life that releases all chaos of the mind: it is honey. A spoonful of honey. 

Tonight I stood before the window above the sink, looking out. I drizzled the honey onto my spoon, but once but three times. 

One day I want to be a beekeeper, not only because honey is pure happiness, but because it brings pure happiness. Honey brings me back. It reminds me. It resembles a man I proudly call my grandfather. 

Standing with spoon in hand I become emotional. I am not one to quickly draw out my own emotions, but something about the sweet taste of the honey brought it out in me. Who knew, a simple spoonful of honey could create such emotions, thoughts, memories past, and dreams to come. 

Who knew? Who knew as I stood before the kitchen sink that a few puzzle pieces of life would quietly fall into place.