Still Alive

Today it hit me.

I am still alive.

I know. Crazy thing to say. But the more and more I thought about, both when talking to a good friend and while contemplating it in the shower, I am lucky to be alive. If that truck would have hit the driver side door there is no way I would have walked away from that crash alive. No way. God blessed me. I have to stop thinking on the material things of this world.

I am alive.
I am still here.
God still has a purpose for my life.

Invincible No More

To be honest, I don't know why I am here. There must be a reason. There must be a purpose. Yet, I know not. I wish I could say that I had it all figured out, but I don't. I don't have a thing figured out.

A cup of tea; a cup of tea for each tear I cried, each smile, each laugh, each whispered prayer to God in the black of night.

I wish I had the answers to life. I wish I had the hope I desire. I wish I could have the motivation to move mountains.

Sadly, I feel a part of me was left on 1-75 that day. A part of my heart will always be scattered along the road: lost, confused, and uncertain of why. Why invincible Mallory hit a patch of ice, spun out of control, and was hit by another car. Why?

"though they may surround us like lions
and crush us on all side,
we may fall, but we will rise
not by my might nor my power
or by the strength of souls
only through Your love, my Lord"
-Rise by Josh Garrels 

Stairs

Kids are good at melting my heart. I don't know if it is because I am at that stage where motherhood begins to enter the mind, but man oh man.

Never before have I become choked up with babysitting, yet tonight while babysitting my cousins, Anna and Evan I got emotional.

Evan had knocked down one of Anna's buildings, so I took him aside and talked to him about what he had done wrong. I then asked him what the best thing would be to do. He answered (I don't know if out of heart or just wanting to go play again) that apologizing to Anna is what he needed to do. I told him that that would be the right thing to do, and to throw a hug in there as part of his apology. Needless to say he gave Anna of the most sincere apologies I have ever seen a four year old give. It brought me to tears watching the two. I had to remove myself from the room, where I sat on the stairs wondering what I desired more: a brother or children to call my own.

Perfectly as Planned

I think of the hardest things to do in life is to let go. Whether it be letting go of someone you love who doesn't feel the same to saying goodbye to an old, unwanted habit.
Letting go is hard. 
Yet, it is something we all have to do. I have come to realize that you have to let one thing go: control. In order to fully live out life you have to give God total control. Easier said than done, trust me I am no pro at this. Yet I am learning. Each day is a step forward. It takes time, dedication, and willingness. Yet the payoff is worth the while. Why? Because when God is in control all goes perfectly as planned.

Overwhelming Desire

The other day I entered into one of the shops downtown Holland. It is filled with the warm delights of outerwear; a place I often shop for the perfect fleece, a pair of cozy smartwool socks, even my wonderful Osprey backpack was bought there. This visit I stumbled upon one of the long North Face coats. The kind that cover your rear end and upper legs. Of course the coat just happened to be 25% off and there just happened to be one small left. Red flag though the coat still created sticker shock. As a college student just coming off paying for my first semester the savings account is running low. Yet the desire of want took over. I started running through all the pros to owning it. I mean I live in the UP for crying out loud; I need to stay warm this winter. Needless to say I walked away from the coat that day.

Today I returned secretly wishing someone had bought the coat, so that my decision would be made. It was still there. And I still walked away empty handed.

The coat still lingers on my mind. But then I got thinking if I am that quick to spend that much money on something for me, why can't I spend that money elsewhere, put it to good use. I have decided that rather than spending a hand and a foot for a coat, why not donate the money? I haven't officially decided on where I am going to donate too yet, but I think I am going to send the money to Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore with a little note saying, "a little extra to help teach children the wonders of the wilderness".

Hitting my Rock Bottom

Last night I cried myself to sleep. That is a first for me. Never before have I laid in bed with tears rolling down my check. I cried out to God. I cried out that I can love myself again.

Last night was hard.

The past few weeks have been hard. It is all in my head. Change takes time. I feel God is working his first lesson for the year 2012: patience.

It is time to draw myself together. Last night and today brought me the lowest of lows; the only direction is up. I promise to myself that I will draw myself together, have confidence in who I am, and climb the mountain.

A Spoonful of Honey

If there is one thing in life that releases all chaos of the mind: it is honey. A spoonful of honey. 

Tonight I stood before the window above the sink, looking out. I drizzled the honey onto my spoon, but once but three times. 

One day I want to be a beekeeper, not only because honey is pure happiness, but because it brings pure happiness. Honey brings me back. It reminds me. It resembles a man I proudly call my grandfather. 

Standing with spoon in hand I become emotional. I am not one to quickly draw out my own emotions, but something about the sweet taste of the honey brought it out in me. Who knew, a simple spoonful of honey could create such emotions, thoughts, memories past, and dreams to come. 

Who knew? Who knew as I stood before the kitchen sink that a few puzzle pieces of life would quietly fall into place.