Just be

"Being" is never easy.

Life never allows the mind to just be.

Why?

First, the lyrics to the Creed song "Weathered" come to mind: 

I lie awake on a long dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killin' me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No, maybe I can't accept the life that's mine

'Cause me, I'm rusted and weathered 

For me "I can't seem to tame my mind".

There is:

A maybe, potential relationship hanging out in the unknown
A temptation of what I thought I wanted trying to draw me away
Deciding on a job for fall semester
Finals; finishing the year strong
Reconnecting with my life at home
Nailing down babysitting jobs for the summer
Raising support for Summer Project
Packing to leave my home away from home
Leaving beautiful Marquette
Finding a car
Changing my major

 The list could go on.

Today, I checked one thing off the list. I finished my thirteen page formal report on the benefits of tea (which, I apologize, has kept me from posting the past week).

But not everything on my untamed mind is able to be checked off the list. A number of these things can't be figured out or completed by me sitting in Starbucks for hours on end.
Rather, they stem back to my trust in God. For he is the one sitting in Starbucks working on my to-do list. He is the one checking things off when the time is right.
So what do I do?

Be.

Because that is all I can do.

Patience. It is a virtue, and mine is being tested. God knows my flaws; he knows when I need to be tried and tested.

Last night I wrote this is my journal "God, this is all yours". There isn't a thing I can do other than put my untamed mind in his hands and...
just be.

Silent tears of emotion

I would not call myself an overly emotional person. Yeah, I am girl and yes, I get emotional. I have a breakdown every now and then, but overall tears do not flow easily.

Yet here I sit with tears rolling down my face and snot coming out of my nose. That horrible mixture of tears and snot collecting on my upper lip, rolling down into my mouth. This isn't a sob of a broken heart, but silent tears of emotion.

Why? Because I read this blog post written by my mom: Becoming a Finisher: Sacrifice.

I was prepared, don't get me wrong. My mom warned me. She told me next time I logged on I would discover this post. I knew that tears were going to fall.
But this is what got me. This lead to the silent tears of emotion, as I read it over and over:

"I remember sitting in her driver's seat, where she had been driving along happily in the beautiful sunshine only an hour ago. I looked over to the passenger seat and there was her cell phone, sitting perfectly in place like it was waiting for a call from me saying "Let's stop for lunch". Her iPod was still in its little cubby, probably still playing her favorite tunes, if I could have still heard it. I remember putting the shifter in park and turning off the key, something so final in that gesture that such sadness overwhelmed me, I just had to stop for a few minutes and pray, and breathe and cry. I removed the key from the ignition".

These words turn into a picture; a picture I can see so clearly. As if I was standing there, watching.

But, "I'm fine". I always was and I always will be.

"You jump, I jump": a story without a perfect ending

The other night I filled the pages of my journal with quotes from the Titanic. As many of you know the Titanic recently hit theaters in 3D.

This past weekend, while many went home for Easter weekend, a friend and I hit the theaters. I haven't seen the Titanic that many times, mainly because it is a three hour plus long movie. But each time it gets me. Now don't roll your eyes. I admit, I am in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, well not really him, but I have a love for his voice (don't roll your eyes again). But that is besides the point.

The Titanic is a classic. It is one of those movies on everyone's must see list. Why, because it is a story of life. It doesn't end in happy ever after.

The reason as to why I am writing a post on the Titanic is because it is a story of life. A real story; there are not fireworks of happiness at the end. Jack and Rose don't get married; they don't go off into the sunset; they don't both live to tell the tale of how they survived the sinking. No. Jack dies. Rose lives. Yet for Rose, her life will never be the same. If Jack hadn't come into her life she would have jumped.

"Winning that ticket, Rose was the best things that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do this honor. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise".
"I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go". 

I don't know how to perfectly sum up the movie; I don't know how to plainly put the meaning into words. You can call me a hopeless romance if you want, but this isn't just a movie about love. It is a movie of "learn[ing] to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count".

"I know. It doesn't make any sense that's why I trust it". -Rose

 "You jump, I jump. Remember? I can't turn away without knowing you'll be all right". -Jack

"I figure life is a gift, and I don't intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count". -Jack

Picture Credit: http://a.abcnews.com/images/Technology/ap_titanic_movie_leo_kate_winslet_thg_120403_wg.jpg

Something for Me

Over Spring Break I fell in love with my mom's 50mm Canon camera lens. Many of the afternoons you could find me by the window snapping away pictures of a steaming cup of tea or a vase full of flowers.

Once I returned back to school, I realized how much I missed the lens. So I broke down, gave in, and bought myself my very own 50mm camera lens.

Pure joy. I was like a kid on a Christmas day when I received the package in the mail. Now most nights you can find me in my room taking pictures of all sorts of things: steaming tea, eye glasses, hand written letters, and me (yes, even me).

I could have saved my money; could have bought a text book or two for the fall semester. But I didn't. Instead I did something for me (which I don't do often).

Sometimes you have to give in.
Sometimes you have to treat yourself.
Why? Because you deserve it.

"I ain't got no friends"

I like to proclaim that "I ain't got no friends". Hear me out; there is a reason to the craziness of this statement. Think for a moment. How many of your friends have your back? Really, think about it. How many actually would be there for you 100%, one hundred percent of the time? How many can you truly be honest with; not cover up a single thing? Who can you call at four in the morning and know they will be there for you? Who of your friends will accept you for who you are, yet still help you to become what you should?

Has your list become limited down to a number you can only count on one hand? If not, then you either one lucky person or you are great at lying to yourself.
For years I was lying to myself. In high school I had a large group of friends. I thought of them as close friends, friends who had my back.

But I did not fully understand true friendship until college. I have met a vast number of people since last August, and I can't call them all true friends. Not all of them have my back 100%, one hundred percent of the time, and that is okay. But what matters is that I have a couple. I have a couple who I can be fully honest with; a couple who I can call upon at four in the morning; a couple who accept me, yet push me.

In this thought of "I ain't got no friends", I started thinking to myself. Am I a true friend? Am I giving 100%, one hundred percent of the time? Honestly, I don't know. It is my new challenge; my goal to strive for.

I was sitting on my computer the other night reading through quotes (yes, I do this often). I stumbled upon these three:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving us advice, solution, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,  face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -Henri Nouwen

"A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself." -Frances Ward Weller

"A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should." -Unknown

Find the gems among the rubble. Find the friends that will have your back. The friends that accept you for you, but help you to become a better you. The friends that stand beside you through each smile and tear. In it all don't forget to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I a true friend?".

Spilled Tea

A couple weeks ago I wrote this down: "My sheets are  now officially loved, as I just spilled tea all over them".

Tonight this simple phrase inspired the photographer in me.

Yet, it also got me thinking. 

So often we are focused on having everything perfect. That night I spilled tea on my sheets I could have reacted in one of two ways. One, I could have gotten all upset, stripped my sheets off my bed and thrown them in the wash. Second, I could have shrugged it off, and trusted that my sheets would now have the sweet smell of Caramel tea. 

I chose the second. Life is meant to be lived. Living in the little things. Each reaction, each moment of life is set my your attitude. Think on this, the next time you spill tea all over your sheets, how are you going to react?