What I have been learning.

It begins with a rocking chair and tea.

Tea in a cup, hand crafted by the humble hands of a human. A human broken in a broken world. Unending pain, anger, confusion. Yet even amongst the broken, shattered pieces of this world joy is found. Joy is found while shaping a vessel of clay. A cup is shaped, which holds the fine perfection of tea. Tea that is sipped by me as I contemplate life from a rocking chair.

Five things to think on. Five things to comtemplate as I look out at big sky country. The mountain range of perfection. Why am I here? Why has God placed me here? In it I must be gentle, humble, and quiet. Listening is the key to the art of quietness. Here in this place I listen. I approach with gentleness and desire to hear. To hear the stories of broken people. I too listen for the voice of the Creator who shaped each triangle, each misshaped mountain. Among it all I pray for peace, discernment, for time. I pray among people. I pray alone. Praying for the brokenness of the Rez, the people I've encountered. And selfishly I pray for me, for my brokenness. I seek. Oh how I seek. In patience, I have received. And I've found peace in my quietness. Last, I remember that the shadow proves the sunshine. The trials of the beginning weeks. The baggage, the fear, the confusion, the uncertainty. How those trials have illuminated the greatness of the Creator. To go to the mountains, to seek our Creator. How I've grown. I find myself broken as all humans are. But I find hope in a Creator who has shaped the sky, the mountains, and me.

In the Shadow of Chief

There was this time, were us girls sat around the fire. We were in the shadow of Chief, a mountain we could not conquer.

I sat upon the grass that night thinking of the mountain. And the fear it welled up inside of me. I remembered back to the afternoon, being on the side, shaking. My physical strength was being tested, but even more than that my mental strength. Never before had I been so afraid.

Looking back I don't fully understand the fear. I don't understand why all I wanted to do was sit down and weep. But I will always know that while I was in that moment, I was afraid. I wasn't sure if I was going to come off that sacred mountain.

God was testing me. He was working on me, in that moment of fear. He was asking me to trust him. But I wasn't. I was too caught up in my wobbly knees. I wasn't trusting anything; not Him, not me, no one.

That night, as we sat around the blazing fire, drinking in the moment, I began to understand. I began to feel God. I had come off the mountain, alive, in one piece.
I want to go back, face my fear, and trust the Lord.

The Start. Looking back to June 22.

June 22, 2012:

Lately I have giving myself reason as to why I don't need to go to Montana. I keep questioning myself, asking "did I make the right choice?" But it is time for me to suck it up and face the fact that I need to go to Montana. It is not about whether or not I want to. No, I need too. Because right now I need it.

I am at the crucial time, that crucial age. That age where the experiences you have will most likely shape the course of your future. And that downright frightens me. What if? What if these next five weeks change the course of my future?

It all boils down to change. Change, to put it plain and clear is something I don't do well with. For me to go from school, to home, to Montana, to home, to school is well... stressful.
Yet, tucked in the back of my mind is this idea that Montana is the breathe of fresh air I am longing for. It is going to offer me time. Time to dig into myself, to listen, and to explore.

I remind myself often that life is a journey. A walk lead by the best guide of all, God. Montana is another step in the journey. I am trusting my guide. I know Montana is where I need to go; where I need to be this summer. I am going there for a reason. Although I don't know the reason, I know it is going to be good.
Montana is what I need.

I fell, and I fell hard.

The past five weeks I have been out of touch with what many call the "real" world. I haven't watched any of the London 2012 Olympics; I haven't had access to the internet. To put it plain and simple I was disconnected. Instead I was out climbing mountains, sleeping in a tipi, and falling deeply in love.

I fell, and I fell hard.

In a recent blog post my mom wrote this: "I listened as I heard a part of her heart falling in love with Montana. A part that was left there, to grow, so that she can return to reclaim it".

I grew in countless way. I lived. I loved.
I can't put it all down in words now, for everything is like stars scattered in the night sky. But, I promise to share all the stories of laughter, fear, and tears.

Stay in touch, for I will write. I promise.